Thursday, March 5, 2009

GETTING TO KNOW ERIC ULRICH


Getting to know Eric Ulbitch
03/05/2009

He sits down with the Queens Chronicle for a Q&A (modified)

Q: What are your immediate plans upon being sworn in as a Councilman?

A: First I need to take down that big intrusive sign that is pasted on the A Train El Station, and then I think I may go to Disney because I love Mickey Mouse.


Q: Where will you open your district office?

A: I will open two district offices, one in Astoria and the other in the Bahamas.


Q: How will you staff your district offices?

A: I’m trying to hire all the people that I owe political favors obviously, people know that I am a seat warmer and I need to start my campaign and use city resources for my personal political expediency like I have done do many times in the past. I also plan to hire bilingual staffers because there are many illegal immigrants living in the district who voted for me in the past election even though they are not “technically” American citizens.


Q: Which are the top three council committees on which you would like to sit?

A: Transportation, transportation, transportation. Transportation is going to play a very key role because I am not old enough to drive yet and my grandmother uses her car to go to bingo. It’s not finance because I have no idea what the finance committee does, it’s not land use because I don’t know what they do either except for using land for things, it’s not the big three or the big two or even the big one ... that most councilmen (I used the word councilmen and not councilperson because I am a misogynist pig) would go for, but for me it’s absolutely a gold metro card. Because whether it’s Ozone Park or whether it’s Rockaway, is Howard beach part of my district? transportation is the number-one issue. Whereas transportation five or 10 years ago, you know, what just a nominal committee in the council, (I was only three ten years ago but I read somewhere that it was nominal) I think it’s going to merge as one of the premier committees. Secondary ones — parks is very important to my constituents and to me, and then education is very important. I really like to feed the pigeons and play ring around the rosy with my peers.


Q: The mayor will attend your swearing-in ceremony to be held later this month in Howard Beach. What is the benefit of having him there?

A: Bringing the mayor to the community shows a number of things. It shows that the Mayor doesn’t know yet that Tom Ognibene is my BFF (best friend forever) and is plotting to overthrow the Mayor. Number one: it shows that I can kiss ass with the big boys, c’mon just look at my mentors. Number two: it shows that I’m a two-faced ignorant political hack and afraid I am just a seat warmer and need to bring in the big guns and extremely desperate to established relationship with the most powerful person in the City of New York.


Q: What are your priorities for the months you’ll serve on the Council?

A: Open an office with a cotton candy machine and one of those neat round tables so I can be like King Arthur, address the peasants’ ( I mean residents) concerns, constituent complaints when I figure out how to. Right now there is no city councilman (person). When we had the snowstorm [on Monday] they had nobody to call up and say, “My street hasn’t been plowed yet.” ... So my office gave them Lew Simon’s number. There are immediate needs that my community has that aren’t being met by me or my staff. There are local issues that need to be addressed but I really don’t have the time right now because we are looking at paint swatches. People have nowhere to turn to and I have to be that nowhere or do nothing person. Surprisingly, they’ve put that trust in me and in for a rude awakening.


Q: What are some projects you hope to start working on once in office?

A: I need to get a handle on my unibrow, so a complete waxing. I am going to use all my Lego’s to build a greenhouse in Forest Park, I want some new streets, particularly on Sesame Street so Elmo can have a bike path to get to work, getting new artificial trees in the district, staffing the beaches in Rockaway with the cast of Baywatch, repairing the Rockaway boardwalk with recycled toilet seats, extending the beach hours. We need to repair the infrastructure in my community. One of the things I’d like to spearhead is the fight against graffiti vandalism by promoting finger painting. We could take away that impression of lawlessness, of a ghetto not that I’m prejudice or anything but all the ghettos I have been to have no law.. We could also increase people’s property values by keeping the ghettos in the ghetto and it would be reinvesting taxpayer money back into the community for the common good.


Q: Are you confident you can accomplish your goals? Will your achievements help you win the November election?

A: I have no personal life and resemblance to a personal life is purely fictional. I’m not even from Earth, I’m a visitor from outer space. Monday through Tuesday I’m out there everyday, two days a week three hours a day! But if you have the zeal and a passion to serve your self interests and blind political obsessions and this is what you’re called to do ... then you’ll do it well. My re-election is dependent on how much taxpayer resources I can steal and pray that Frank Gulluscio is appointed Secretary of the Interior by Obama. If I don’t deliver favors to my Republican colleagues, I’m out of a job. And I think that’s a good thing ... the voters have put me to warm Gulluscio’s chair until November, they’ve challenged me to keep it real warm. ... Now they’re saying, “How many days until the November Election?.” [Accomplishing the above-mentioned goals is a way] to show people that I’m incapable to be an effective ombudweiserman for them and that I’m not able to deliver anything. That I’m not worth re-electing. Honestly, I don’t deserve to be re-elected. I understand that and the voters understand that. It’s a temporary toleration of my loathsome existence.


(this questionaire and its answers have been modified. Any resemblance to answers given by real or fictional political characters is purley cooincidental)

5 comments:

GOD BLESS AMERICA said...

Eric won, congratulations on a well run campaign. Its time to stop the in fight and move foward toward building a stronge party. During a campain many things are said but that is politics. It takes a gentelman to know when to cease hostilities. Lets move foward as a united party and get back some other seats. In the next few months people will become disenchanted with the present goverment with its out of control tax and spend policies. Many small businesses are struggling to keep their doors open. On top of the economic slow down the idiots in government continue to look at these businesses as cash cows. Homeowners are trying to pay their morgages pending layoffs and property taxes continue to go up. Mass transit use is at a all time high, yet the MTA has no money and wants to raise fares. Tolls on every bridge will hurt the middle class and deepen their hardships. If these are the answers to economic downturns we do not need this so called stimulus package. We need people to be responsable for their own debt. We need the pigs in the large corporations who took large bonuses to return that money. You only take a bonus if your corporation makes a profit and you also reward your employees . Lets get this city back in the RIGHT direction. Spend only what you have and save for a rainy day. If you want to help lower taxes, make NY business friendly. Tourist will return ,people will start buying, and revenue will return to the city. If not we will turn into another Detroit. If business and financial institutions leave this city it will die.

Anonymous said...

Well said, God Bless America. Congrats to Eric. I've noticed that JPP has yet to say that word - the blogs about Eric have been very hateful. What could this 24 year-old have done that would cause such hate?

Anonymous said...

Janie's gonna get him a housie in Brezzy from one of the out of work stockbrokers so he doesnt have to come out from behind the gate and evrybody will tell him what a good widdle Catlic boy he is.

Anonymous said...

THIS HAS BEEN AMENDED AS THE CHRONICLE QUOTED THE LYING FUTURE COUNCIL MAN - HE LIED THROUGH HIS TEETH IN A SEPERATE ARTICLE THAT THE CHRONICLE PULLED FROM THEIR WEBSITE BUT IS STILL IN THE PAPER. AND WE SHOULD ASK AND HAVE HIM ANSWER WHY WAS HE LET GO FROM THE BOARD OF ELECTIONS

Anonymous said...

could someone tell me what he did that was so bad?

At one point he was vry friendly with several of the "Juiper patroits", not to mention any names.

How did Eric go from loved to hated?